Teaching the arts alongside STEM education is not a great idea. It is a waste of time to establish STEAM, which Yo-Yo Ma has come up with. He has explained that it is important to teach these classes for students to learn empathy and feelings, but I don’t that it’s necessary to have classes where the skills can be learned by basic life experience. The arts also don’t really go with the science, technology, engineering, and math categories. It is it’s own thing that doesn’t give the same amount of knowledge needed for successful career paths.
I like the ideas you have in your paragraph but I think you need a different intro to grab the readers attention. Possible some more background from the text to support your point why its not a great idea. This seems like a great start to a strong argumentative paragraph!
To help strengthen your argument consider asking the readers questions about it or give more analysis on your side of it. Bringing up Yo-Yo Ma was smart and helped out as well.