Original:
Art, in my opinion, is not just for self expression. In a musical sense, Zander says “it’s the music that generates the emotions that releases the human experience.” There is a song for every different emotion, every perception that you might have. Art in the form of music can help with a person’s emotional wellbeing and it is a way to form connections with others who share the same likings.
Revision:
Art, in my opinion, is not just for self expression. In a musical sense, Zander says “it’s the music that generates the emotions that releases the human experience.” I think that by this he means that there is a song for every different emotion and perception that you might have.
Original:
An effective altruist might be “doubtful that art had much power to alter the world for the better” but I strongly disagree. I can’t imagine a world without music, books and movies, or any other form of art because they have such a significant impact on an individual and a society.
Revision:
An effective altruist might feel “doubtful that art had much power to alter the world for the better” but I strongly disagree. I think that statement shows a direct message of what the EAs believe, that art has no genuine effect on a society that makes it better. I can’t imagine a world without music, books and movies, or any other form of art because they have such a significant impact on an individual and a society.
The changes you made in your second example are great. You slow down to lay down the steps that lead your reader through your logic.